Blooming

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Dad heading back to Chicago

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Ten

Kent and I gave out tulips as our wedding favors. I was worried we would have to move before they bloomed, but lucky for me the timing was perfect. Here are a few of the photos of our "love tulips".

Catch Up

On September 30th 2012 I married my soul mate, Kent. We had a beautiful outdoor wedding at Historic Cedarwood in Nashville Tennessee. It was everything I wanted it to be.

My good friend Hannah was our photographer and captured so many amazing photos much like the one you see here.

After we were married we went to Kauai for our Honeymoon. What an amazing island! Everything was so beautiful and was a great ending to our wedding.

After we got home and began to settle into married life, Kent was told that due to a reorganization at his current company, he would no longer be employed after the first of the year.

 Nashville had become home to both of us. Kent had lived here for almost 15 years and I was going on 6 years. Nashville is where I shed my old skin and had the love and the care to find my new self. Nashville is where Kent and I met and fell in love. Nashville is a part of our story. But now its time to start a new chapter.

Kent got an amazing offer to become the Global VP of Marketing for a sports nutrition company called BSN. BSN is located in Boca Raton Florida which is a place neither one of us ever expected to move to. Beaches, palm trees, and private pools all seemed like elements of a vacation. When we went to visit the area it was clear that although a different path for us, it held a lot of promise. I really believe that Kent can excel and make a difference in his new role. My new role, as wife, has become clearer. I support him and love him in this without thought. It is my duty and gift to him to be flexible and  I will do all I can to bring US through this transition with as little discomfort as possible.

Now the countdown begins. 13 days left in Nashville.

Nine

Knowing that you have the ability to make the best out of a undesirable situation

Eight

Meeting someone who is truly following their dreams.

Seven

 
Letting the wind mess up your hair

Six

Knowing someone cares more than anything how you are and what you are doing.

Five

Getting your hands dirty to create something beautiful.

Four

A cloudless sky.

Three

Having a friend visit you at work.

Two

Making up after a fight.

One

The first smell of spring after a long winter.

Super Director and The Sunshine Band

This post should have made it up awhile ago, however I have been a busy girl these last months. What with a new jobs, Kent's 40th Birthday Party, and moving, I have hardly been able to make time for fun things like this blog. This is an excerpt from an email I sent Kent's family while preparing for his 70's party.

September 28th 2010

Hello everyone. I am writing because of a situation that I experienced this weekend. On Saturday, Kent and I took a lovely walk through the woods of Radnor. It was a beautiful day, the leaves were starting to change and the breeze was perfect.

While on this walk, Kent and I talked about a variety of things. One thing we touched on was his upcoming party. However, something began to happen to Kent as I chattered on about the party...

The wind began to blow a little harder and I noticed Kent's coloring looked a little off. Right in front of me a mutation started to take place.

Before I knew it, my sweet boyfriend was gone and in his place was a entity I have only had glimpses of... however, I had heard the legends.

SUPER DIRECTOR!!!!

Super Director swept through my party plans like a wild hurricane and smashed them all into uneven piles of nonsense causing me to even question my own purpose in life. He insisted upon lists and laminated documents put into three-ring binders. He demanded updates and gave deadlines!

Once it was all over, I promised Kent and myself that I would do what I could to not anger the inner "Director" that lives inside of him. I would communicate with all involved and even allow him to be part of the party planing committee.

At the end of the day the party went on to be a great success. I think I did good. :) I will post more pictures soon.

40 days of being thankful

I've been thinking about life lately and looking at all the really great things in my life. I have so much to be thankful for, but I am not the person I want to be yet. Lent has approached, and although I am not a strong Catholic, I have decided to participate in a different way than I have in the past. I would usually give up chocolate, or something else that I loved to honor how Jesus gave up His life for us. At the end of the day my sacrifice didn't make me a better person. This year my "sacrifice" will be a few moments of my time everyday to choose something in my life that I am thankful for, and then honor it.

I want each day to have a focus and in turn be positive because of the choice I made to celebrate something good. I have to admit that it has been hard to change my way of thinking so far. Yesterday was Ash Wednesday. I don't have a list pre-made, so I searched all day for something that stood out and made me feel extraordinarily blessed. I went to mass, worked, made dinner with my boyfriend, watched the Olympics and went to bed. It was a fine day, but I couldn't find that extra special "thing" that was my focus.

Today I started my day with a doctors appointment, got my eyebrows waxed and now while waiting to go into work, I search. I search for something besides the obvious blessings that are staring me in the face (don't worry, they will get their day once I'm on a roll with this) that can brighten my mood and remind me that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

I am hoping all of this will help open my eyes to the things that are truly wonderful in my life and point me in a direction for future ways to stay consistently grateful.

For now, today's reason to be thankful is the Sun. Living in Tennessee in the winter months has been a big change from Chicago. Today the sun is out and its 45 degrees. Drea and I are about to go take our sweet pups out for a walk and soak in a bit of this rare winter sunshine.

The light.

There is a light on top of Vanderbilt hospital. Its a beacon of white then red light to help guide the life flight helicopters to the roof. Its like a lighthouse at the edge of sea. It saves lives. Its a symbol of hope and fear. Its a light that says help is nearby, if only you can hold on.

I pass this light on my way home from work. I see it when I let my dog out. I see it out my window when I am sitting on my couch. I cant explain why I love this light so much. When I am quiet and thinking "why in Gods name am I here?" I look at the light and it calms me. I am reminded that I don't have it so bad. Many people fly towards that light and loose their battle with whatever has earned them a ride towards it. I am just searching for my purpose, not my next breath. I think of the people that save lives... not just the obvious doctors, but how we effect one another and inspire each other to hold on.

I think I am still holding on to something. Is it a "dream"? Is it my identity that has been lost behind what I think I am supposed to be at this age, at how I am supposed to look? Is it just simple sanity? 

Tonight I am sitting on my couch in the dark with my dog watching the rotation of the beacon. My light. 

I cant help but just hope.

One

This is still my blog. This is still where I come when my heart gets broken or something really pisses me off. I feel like once I tell people it exists I start to censor myself. That's not good. 

Its almost Christmas and I have an empty spot in me. I'm not trying to sound dramatic or look for attention. In fact if no one reads this I will be just fine... I have a great loving family, amazing supportive friends... but I am starting to feel so lonely. Maybe its this time of year. Nothing is more beautiful then Christmas lights and hot chocolate and snuggling under blankets. I don't get any of that this year unless I want it to be fake. I suppose I could find someone to fill the spot and make me feel a certain way, but it would be empty and I don't want that. 

I have had a few men spark my interest in the last few months. One that travels and is never home, so I don't get the chance to see if I really even like him. Hes pretty, but beauty is common. I don't know if there is more. Then there is the cute boy who come into starbucks everyday and reads. He is someone I will never introduce myself to. Even if he is single, I am not sure what would be appealing to him. Smart people read... are they interested in 26year old girls who are waitress/baristas that haven't finished college? I had a quick but painful relationship with a good friend of mine recently. It ended and trying to be friends is bring back old feelings. It sucks and I hate it.  I feel stupid telling myself that someone great will come along. It seems like the single girls motto. 

I do sometimes think of how my life used to be when I was in relationships. I was heavily invested and hardly pursuing my own dreams. I don't want to forget about why I moved here when I get involved with someone. So maybe I am supposed to be alone. It just confuses me as to why I cant have both. Why cant I be with someone where we support each others dreams? Why cant I find someone who fits well into where my life is heading and I in his, but we still are willing to make compromises with each other? Is that just a fairytale?

I know this sounds pathetic. I just think something interesting is happening... I think I am almost maybe kinda sorta ready  to be seriously dating again... and I am not playing around this time. I guess all I can do is trust that everything is working out as it should. I think that's all we can ever really tell ourselves or we will go insane. No thanks-

Thanksgiving, The Songwriter Round, and Life

Its funny how certain moments don't let you down. I have been super quiet (aside from panic filled facebook status updates) about a songwriters round I got booked for. A co-worker signed me up to play a three song writers round at The French Quarter Cafe in East Nashville. This meant originals! Ive been so scared of doing this.

This is what I have felt my purpose was ever since I was little. It was like this feeling where I knew I was supposed to do something with music but it was bigger than what I was currently doing. After some soul searching I landed on telling my story/views/loves/everything that could possibly connect with someone through music. After turning down other avenues of music and pissing off just about everyone who ever believed in me, I finally felt like I was free from the pressure and eyes and able to take a look at myself and say"... so??" Well "so" came with "What if I have nothing to say?" "What if I everything I think and feel and believe in is nothing that connects with anyone" "What if these songs that are obviously at beginner level scream INEXPERIENCED, BORING, UNTALENTED?" I got the amazing Justen Barks to play for me and consequently ended up writing with him a new super personal one with him involving the heartache/mess I have tip toed around within some of these entries.   

The crowd was pretty small but a perfect size for what this was for me. I had a few supportive friends that came and in the end this moment was something I will always remember. I have sung songs before and felt a connection with them but this was something exhilarating! When I got to the last one (new one), I took a deep breath and thought about everything this song meant to me. I thought of how what I really respond to is honesty and truth. And I sang my little song about getting my heart broken. There were two spots where I almost thought I was gonna lose it and start crying and that's when I knew how much this was kicking my ass in the best way possible.

I thanked everyone for being so awesome and nice since this was my first time and everyone clapped. After I got done a little old man in the back wearing a red plaid shirt and light blue jeans that reminded me so much of what my papa would wear said "If you write songs like that, I don't know why you'd want to sing someone elses." Maybe he was just being nice... but that little old man made it totally worth every panic attack and tear... cause he got it. It wasn't just music. It was connection. So who knows... maybe I'll get on a roll now with the writing.

THEN two days later was Thanksgiving... away from home. Its also amusing to me to watch other people plan a holiday and what a glimpse that is into the life they grew up in. The way my roommate and I would say "We should light candles at the dinner table" "We should dress nice" We need to have this... we need to have that. When I went grocery shopping the night before I just had to have canned corn cause my grandpa loves it so much. I had to buy the little extras that my mother would always have that made it a special holiday and not just another meal. My bill was a little higher than I would have liked but it was my taste of home and even though Adriana and I were not with our families, I feel like a piece of them were defiantly with us.  Our mommas would have been proud :)

Should've Known Better

(Kristen McFarland/Justen Barks)

You've got a way of taking me

and everything I thought I knew

Id forget all lessons learned

cause with you this was so much bigger

Who knew I'd be waiting alone?

You gave me hope, deceitful love

promises that never came true

You ran away with who I was

when you said you were in love

I knew I was falling apart

This should have been different

Everything was right

I should have known better

I swear I didn't know

Why cant his be over?

You always sell it to me

Sometimes the man you think you love

is never who he says he is

He says lets just run away

Somewhere warm and this will be easy

Promises left undone

Wish that things could always be

like the pictures he painted me

but his choice was clearly made

what to do when someone doesn't need you?

I know there's nothing to say

What if I told the world all the secrets that you made me keep?

What if I told the girl that it was almost me there when he falls to sleep?

What if I said the things that you made me feel when I was left behind?

 You deserve to hear!

This should have been different

I guess I didn't see

I should have known better

How could I not have known

This still isn't over

This should have been different

everything was right

I should have known better

I swear I didn't see

why cant this be over?

You always sell it to me

the best i can

One of the best things I learned from all those many months and hundreds of dollars in therapy is the true meaning of 'the best I can'. For so long I always felt like I was never doing all I could. In reality I really was. It was the best I could do and sometimes we have high expectations of ourselves.

Today's 'best I can' moment came when I woke up. I realized that my dog would be stuck inside all day while I was working a double. My roommate will be home but I cant expect her to entertain him. Sometimes he can be a little needy for affection and I don't blame her if she wants to be put the gate up and keep him in the kitchen or put him outside. 

So the first thing I did when I got up was put my running shoes on. This doesn't seem like a huge feat to anyone I am sure, but for me I have slight anxiety when it comes to exercising. My fitness routines at one point were obsessive and out of control. Now every time I think of being fit again I am afraid I will lose control and do too much or have a panic attack that I didn't do enough. Today's run encompassed maybe 10blocks and it was perfect. My dog is still panting and my legs are buzzing. I did the best I could and I actually feel like I did something for my good for my body. Its a really good feeling to be happy about that.

Its been awhile

So much has changed since I last blogged. Its not as if I kept up with my doings on here much, but I feel like my life has changed quite a bit. I moved, worked as a make-up artist/production assistant on a professional film shoot, and booked my first songwriters round... which is why I moved here.

I love my new house. Its not super nice or anything but its close to work. My dog Finn has his own backyard and loves to sit on the back stoop and watch people walk by. My room is small and I hardly have any room for all my shit, but downsizing is good for me.

More on all of this very soon...