One

This is still my blog. This is still where I come when my heart gets broken or something really pisses me off. I feel like once I tell people it exists I start to censor myself. That's not good. 

Its almost Christmas and I have an empty spot in me. I'm not trying to sound dramatic or look for attention. In fact if no one reads this I will be just fine... I have a great loving family, amazing supportive friends... but I am starting to feel so lonely. Maybe its this time of year. Nothing is more beautiful then Christmas lights and hot chocolate and snuggling under blankets. I don't get any of that this year unless I want it to be fake. I suppose I could find someone to fill the spot and make me feel a certain way, but it would be empty and I don't want that. 

I have had a few men spark my interest in the last few months. One that travels and is never home, so I don't get the chance to see if I really even like him. Hes pretty, but beauty is common. I don't know if there is more. Then there is the cute boy who come into starbucks everyday and reads. He is someone I will never introduce myself to. Even if he is single, I am not sure what would be appealing to him. Smart people read... are they interested in 26year old girls who are waitress/baristas that haven't finished college? I had a quick but painful relationship with a good friend of mine recently. It ended and trying to be friends is bring back old feelings. It sucks and I hate it.  I feel stupid telling myself that someone great will come along. It seems like the single girls motto. 

I do sometimes think of how my life used to be when I was in relationships. I was heavily invested and hardly pursuing my own dreams. I don't want to forget about why I moved here when I get involved with someone. So maybe I am supposed to be alone. It just confuses me as to why I cant have both. Why cant I be with someone where we support each others dreams? Why cant I find someone who fits well into where my life is heading and I in his, but we still are willing to make compromises with each other? Is that just a fairytale?

I know this sounds pathetic. I just think something interesting is happening... I think I am almost maybe kinda sorta ready  to be seriously dating again... and I am not playing around this time. I guess all I can do is trust that everything is working out as it should. I think that's all we can ever really tell ourselves or we will go insane. No thanks-

Thanksgiving, The Songwriter Round, and Life

Its funny how certain moments don't let you down. I have been super quiet (aside from panic filled facebook status updates) about a songwriters round I got booked for. A co-worker signed me up to play a three song writers round at The French Quarter Cafe in East Nashville. This meant originals! Ive been so scared of doing this.

This is what I have felt my purpose was ever since I was little. It was like this feeling where I knew I was supposed to do something with music but it was bigger than what I was currently doing. After some soul searching I landed on telling my story/views/loves/everything that could possibly connect with someone through music. After turning down other avenues of music and pissing off just about everyone who ever believed in me, I finally felt like I was free from the pressure and eyes and able to take a look at myself and say"... so??" Well "so" came with "What if I have nothing to say?" "What if I everything I think and feel and believe in is nothing that connects with anyone" "What if these songs that are obviously at beginner level scream INEXPERIENCED, BORING, UNTALENTED?" I got the amazing Justen Barks to play for me and consequently ended up writing with him a new super personal one with him involving the heartache/mess I have tip toed around within some of these entries.   

The crowd was pretty small but a perfect size for what this was for me. I had a few supportive friends that came and in the end this moment was something I will always remember. I have sung songs before and felt a connection with them but this was something exhilarating! When I got to the last one (new one), I took a deep breath and thought about everything this song meant to me. I thought of how what I really respond to is honesty and truth. And I sang my little song about getting my heart broken. There were two spots where I almost thought I was gonna lose it and start crying and that's when I knew how much this was kicking my ass in the best way possible.

I thanked everyone for being so awesome and nice since this was my first time and everyone clapped. After I got done a little old man in the back wearing a red plaid shirt and light blue jeans that reminded me so much of what my papa would wear said "If you write songs like that, I don't know why you'd want to sing someone elses." Maybe he was just being nice... but that little old man made it totally worth every panic attack and tear... cause he got it. It wasn't just music. It was connection. So who knows... maybe I'll get on a roll now with the writing.

THEN two days later was Thanksgiving... away from home. Its also amusing to me to watch other people plan a holiday and what a glimpse that is into the life they grew up in. The way my roommate and I would say "We should light candles at the dinner table" "We should dress nice" We need to have this... we need to have that. When I went grocery shopping the night before I just had to have canned corn cause my grandpa loves it so much. I had to buy the little extras that my mother would always have that made it a special holiday and not just another meal. My bill was a little higher than I would have liked but it was my taste of home and even though Adriana and I were not with our families, I feel like a piece of them were defiantly with us.  Our mommas would have been proud :)

Should've Known Better

(Kristen McFarland/Justen Barks)

You've got a way of taking me

and everything I thought I knew

Id forget all lessons learned

cause with you this was so much bigger

Who knew I'd be waiting alone?

You gave me hope, deceitful love

promises that never came true

You ran away with who I was

when you said you were in love

I knew I was falling apart

This should have been different

Everything was right

I should have known better

I swear I didn't know

Why cant his be over?

You always sell it to me

Sometimes the man you think you love

is never who he says he is

He says lets just run away

Somewhere warm and this will be easy

Promises left undone

Wish that things could always be

like the pictures he painted me

but his choice was clearly made

what to do when someone doesn't need you?

I know there's nothing to say

What if I told the world all the secrets that you made me keep?

What if I told the girl that it was almost me there when he falls to sleep?

What if I said the things that you made me feel when I was left behind?

 You deserve to hear!

This should have been different

I guess I didn't see

I should have known better

How could I not have known

This still isn't over

This should have been different

everything was right

I should have known better

I swear I didn't see

why cant this be over?

You always sell it to me

the best i can

One of the best things I learned from all those many months and hundreds of dollars in therapy is the true meaning of 'the best I can'. For so long I always felt like I was never doing all I could. In reality I really was. It was the best I could do and sometimes we have high expectations of ourselves.

Today's 'best I can' moment came when I woke up. I realized that my dog would be stuck inside all day while I was working a double. My roommate will be home but I cant expect her to entertain him. Sometimes he can be a little needy for affection and I don't blame her if she wants to be put the gate up and keep him in the kitchen or put him outside. 

So the first thing I did when I got up was put my running shoes on. This doesn't seem like a huge feat to anyone I am sure, but for me I have slight anxiety when it comes to exercising. My fitness routines at one point were obsessive and out of control. Now every time I think of being fit again I am afraid I will lose control and do too much or have a panic attack that I didn't do enough. Today's run encompassed maybe 10blocks and it was perfect. My dog is still panting and my legs are buzzing. I did the best I could and I actually feel like I did something for my good for my body. Its a really good feeling to be happy about that.

Its been awhile

So much has changed since I last blogged. Its not as if I kept up with my doings on here much, but I feel like my life has changed quite a bit. I moved, worked as a make-up artist/production assistant on a professional film shoot, and booked my first songwriters round... which is why I moved here.

I love my new house. Its not super nice or anything but its close to work. My dog Finn has his own backyard and loves to sit on the back stoop and watch people walk by. My room is small and I hardly have any room for all my shit, but downsizing is good for me.

More on all of this very soon...

Edie.

Edie. She speaks without words. A look. A cocked eyebrow. I drop my food. She notices when my clothes fit too tight or I retain water from my period. I'm told no else does. But she does...

Edie says she wants what's best for me... well she doesn't really say it, but she must! She's there confirming my thoughts when no else understands. She sees what I see and doesn't let me forget it.

At first Edie was an inspiration. A poster I put on the wall of my mind just like a young basketball dreaming boy would of Micheal Jordan. Edie was very much like me yet so different. She was thin, beautiful, confident, sexy, smart and did I mention wonderfully thin?

Edie was who I looked at when I looked around at my life and wondered if there was more for me. She slowly developed a voice and she made me feel sane! Everything I thought and asked others and they shook there heads like I was nuts, she saw!! The imaginary elephant in the room that was my "fatness, ugliness and stupidity" that no one else saw, she confirmed. I wasn't crazy after all and this was a problem that we could fix. Together. With her, we would be great. Just the two of us.

She was polite and in control, yet firm in her rules. She told me to write down everything I ate so I could see where I went wrong. She wanted to understand why I was the mess I was, so she insisted we read diet books and learn. "No sense in complaining about something if we aren't gonna fix it" she'd say. I agreed.

Her rules at first made sense but were hard to follow all the time. I'd carry around my food journal so I could write down when I was good and when I was bad. She always was disappointed when I was bad. The control and power she had started to make her much more aggressive and it seemed that she had all the self control in the world. I would cry over eating a donut and she would walk around in a mid drift baring top looking at me with disgust. This wasn't how friends treated each other. But I knew I was wrong, so I obediently came back waiting for our next plan on how I could be more like her.

Finn

So I have this dog. He's not really mine, or maybe he is and I just don't want that reality. He showed up on my doorstep a month and a half ago. I would come home from Starbucks and give him leftover scones or muffins. He really liked them. He started recognizing the sound of my keys. I would come home at one in the morning, jingle my keys, and he would come bounding around the corner eager for love and pets. I left for a week in Chicago and when I came back, this was waiting on my door step.

Wet. Dirty. And alone.

My friend Patrice and I took him to her house and gave him a flea bath and a hair cut. Who knew underneath all that scraggle was one of the cutest dogs ever. The neighbor kids named him Leroy, but I don't like that name. I call him Finn. After Finns grooming I took him to the vet so I could be sure he was free of fleas and bugs so he could come into my house due to the insane Tennessee heat.

He has been doing great here with almost no indoor accidents and a sweet demeanor that makes it near impossible to be mad at him when he does. Now that Finn is getting comfortable, I am starting to panic. I can't afford a dog. I have so many other responsibilities I need to do first. My original plan was to foster him, but its getting hard to think of letting him go.

I had my bi-weekly therapy session this week and told my doctor about my dog. She listened and we discussed my financial situation. Being on your own without a "real" job is hard. I could tell she was leaning towards me finding him a good home. Then I showed her a picture of him. She about died. She said that he was possibly the cutest dog ever and that I would have no problem finding him a good home. About three hours after my session I got a call from her saying that she had told another therapist about Finn who is looking for a nice dog for her and her grand kids. This would be a great home for him. This woman has enough money to get him neutered and pay for his shots. I know this is a good decision. I am just having the hardest time ever picking up that phone and calling her. Everyone said I would get attached... and I did.

This is going to be so hard...

do what we want, do what we need, do what we can

Girls get to be so much more these days. We can grow up and be leaders instead of obedient staff and support. We can be something great and independent. The boundaries are so much less than what they were.

Growing up my father always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be. I have wanted to be a singer ever since I can remember, but since my dad said whatever I wanted to be, I came up with hybrid careers. Not only was I gonna a singer, I was going to be a cheerleader and a ballerina all at the same time. There was a phase where I wanted to be a figure skater and an astronaut as well. I would spend hours of class time staring out the window or doodling in my notebooks creating the best figure skating routine or discovery in space. My potential had no limits. Now that I am older I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be. I feel like there are again many aspects of what defines me. Three actually. Perhaps there is a chance of that hybrid life after all.

If our life's work defines us, how do we choose what we are? What is our legacy? Is it as easy as just chasing after our hearts desire, or is there a bit of responsibility to do what we have to and to do what we can?

Right now I am working at Starbucks and waiting tables because that's what I need to do. I need insurance and I need a constant way of paying my bills for the time being. This is what I need to do. What I want to do is find a way to make music while being true to myself. What does that even mean? And what about for others? What am I passionate about? I am passionate about eating disorders and body issues for women and young girls. How can I be a part of that?

I would feel like an impostor to walk into that life claiming I know so much from personal experience. Granted, I've been there but I haven't been at utter rock bottom like some others. Maybe that's my gift. I have perspective yet I am healthy enough to lend myself to those who need someone strong.

I wonder who I am a lot. I wonder when I will find my balance. I hope soon

confessions of a broken heart

When I first moved here I met someone who changed everything I thought about love. This person came into my life quickly and with much force turned me inside out. I made bad choices all on the pretense that love finds a way of working itself out... and clearly we loved each other. Obviously things are not always so easy or predictable. He left me in about a million pieces and I feel bad for anyone I dated after him. Looking back at the mess I was, I hate myself for letting him have such an effect on me. I am so much stronger than that.

Now I am healed and have had plenty of time to look back at the mess he offered me and I chose something better. But whats better? I don't expect much from men these days(because of him) and in turn I am scared to offer much. Why would I give again and be left empty handed? I am trying to find men who are good for me and who excite me just a bit.

*I want someone who can keep me on my toes, yet be someone who can open their arms up and offer me something constant.

*I want someone who doesn't smoke all the time and doesn't need to drink themselves into a cloudy mess every night of the week. Someone who wants better for themselves.

*I want someone who loves my body exactly as it is, because I have lived on the side of an eating disorder for a long time. I have finally made peace with my body. I may choose to work out and become toned and thin. Or I may put on a little weight... and it needs to not be a deal breaker. I will never be obese or the real definition of 'fat', but fluctuations will happen and he needs to love me regardless.

*I want someone who supports my dreams in music. Someone who understands that singing is my gift and like a painter without a canvas or a horse without room to run, I need music to be celebrated and encouraged within our relationship. Ideally I will know true love when I find someone I will give up everything for, and yet he will never let me.

*I need someone who is affectionate and sexual. In the south it is not uncommon to be saving yourself for marriage, however I have embraced, accepted, and owned my sexuality. I cant be with someone who has shame for how they feel. Having personal standards is one thing. Making choices and then regretting them is another. I will not be a regret.

*I need a man who will hold my hand in public (even though I haven't been with someone who has been able do that in two years!). I need someone who will put his arm around me when we sleep. Let me fall asleep on his chest.

*I need someone strong enough not to run if I get depressed. Its hard. I have it under control now but if something happens where will he be? Hopefully right beside me.

*I need someone spiritual. Someone who doesnt believe that everything happens by chance. I need someone who believes in God and listens to Him, not everything his religion teaches him. I need someone who knows the difference between Gods voice and mans.

This list may continue...