Edie.

Edie. She speaks without words. A look. A cocked eyebrow. I drop my food. She notices when my clothes fit too tight or I retain water from my period. I'm told no else does. But she does...

Edie says she wants what's best for me... well she doesn't really say it, but she must! She's there confirming my thoughts when no else understands. She sees what I see and doesn't let me forget it.

At first Edie was an inspiration. A poster I put on the wall of my mind just like a young basketball dreaming boy would of Micheal Jordan. Edie was very much like me yet so different. She was thin, beautiful, confident, sexy, smart and did I mention wonderfully thin?

Edie was who I looked at when I looked around at my life and wondered if there was more for me. She slowly developed a voice and she made me feel sane! Everything I thought and asked others and they shook there heads like I was nuts, she saw!! The imaginary elephant in the room that was my "fatness, ugliness and stupidity" that no one else saw, she confirmed. I wasn't crazy after all and this was a problem that we could fix. Together. With her, we would be great. Just the two of us.

She was polite and in control, yet firm in her rules. She told me to write down everything I ate so I could see where I went wrong. She wanted to understand why I was the mess I was, so she insisted we read diet books and learn. "No sense in complaining about something if we aren't gonna fix it" she'd say. I agreed.

Her rules at first made sense but were hard to follow all the time. I'd carry around my food journal so I could write down when I was good and when I was bad. She always was disappointed when I was bad. The control and power she had started to make her much more aggressive and it seemed that she had all the self control in the world. I would cry over eating a donut and she would walk around in a mid drift baring top looking at me with disgust. This wasn't how friends treated each other. But I knew I was wrong, so I obediently came back waiting for our next plan on how I could be more like her.

Finn

So I have this dog. He's not really mine, or maybe he is and I just don't want that reality. He showed up on my doorstep a month and a half ago. I would come home from Starbucks and give him leftover scones or muffins. He really liked them. He started recognizing the sound of my keys. I would come home at one in the morning, jingle my keys, and he would come bounding around the corner eager for love and pets. I left for a week in Chicago and when I came back, this was waiting on my door step.

Wet. Dirty. And alone.

My friend Patrice and I took him to her house and gave him a flea bath and a hair cut. Who knew underneath all that scraggle was one of the cutest dogs ever. The neighbor kids named him Leroy, but I don't like that name. I call him Finn. After Finns grooming I took him to the vet so I could be sure he was free of fleas and bugs so he could come into my house due to the insane Tennessee heat.

He has been doing great here with almost no indoor accidents and a sweet demeanor that makes it near impossible to be mad at him when he does. Now that Finn is getting comfortable, I am starting to panic. I can't afford a dog. I have so many other responsibilities I need to do first. My original plan was to foster him, but its getting hard to think of letting him go.

I had my bi-weekly therapy session this week and told my doctor about my dog. She listened and we discussed my financial situation. Being on your own without a "real" job is hard. I could tell she was leaning towards me finding him a good home. Then I showed her a picture of him. She about died. She said that he was possibly the cutest dog ever and that I would have no problem finding him a good home. About three hours after my session I got a call from her saying that she had told another therapist about Finn who is looking for a nice dog for her and her grand kids. This would be a great home for him. This woman has enough money to get him neutered and pay for his shots. I know this is a good decision. I am just having the hardest time ever picking up that phone and calling her. Everyone said I would get attached... and I did.

This is going to be so hard...

do what we want, do what we need, do what we can

Girls get to be so much more these days. We can grow up and be leaders instead of obedient staff and support. We can be something great and independent. The boundaries are so much less than what they were.

Growing up my father always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be. I have wanted to be a singer ever since I can remember, but since my dad said whatever I wanted to be, I came up with hybrid careers. Not only was I gonna a singer, I was going to be a cheerleader and a ballerina all at the same time. There was a phase where I wanted to be a figure skater and an astronaut as well. I would spend hours of class time staring out the window or doodling in my notebooks creating the best figure skating routine or discovery in space. My potential had no limits. Now that I am older I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be. I feel like there are again many aspects of what defines me. Three actually. Perhaps there is a chance of that hybrid life after all.

If our life's work defines us, how do we choose what we are? What is our legacy? Is it as easy as just chasing after our hearts desire, or is there a bit of responsibility to do what we have to and to do what we can?

Right now I am working at Starbucks and waiting tables because that's what I need to do. I need insurance and I need a constant way of paying my bills for the time being. This is what I need to do. What I want to do is find a way to make music while being true to myself. What does that even mean? And what about for others? What am I passionate about? I am passionate about eating disorders and body issues for women and young girls. How can I be a part of that?

I would feel like an impostor to walk into that life claiming I know so much from personal experience. Granted, I've been there but I haven't been at utter rock bottom like some others. Maybe that's my gift. I have perspective yet I am healthy enough to lend myself to those who need someone strong.

I wonder who I am a lot. I wonder when I will find my balance. I hope soon

confessions of a broken heart

When I first moved here I met someone who changed everything I thought about love. This person came into my life quickly and with much force turned me inside out. I made bad choices all on the pretense that love finds a way of working itself out... and clearly we loved each other. Obviously things are not always so easy or predictable. He left me in about a million pieces and I feel bad for anyone I dated after him. Looking back at the mess I was, I hate myself for letting him have such an effect on me. I am so much stronger than that.

Now I am healed and have had plenty of time to look back at the mess he offered me and I chose something better. But whats better? I don't expect much from men these days(because of him) and in turn I am scared to offer much. Why would I give again and be left empty handed? I am trying to find men who are good for me and who excite me just a bit.

*I want someone who can keep me on my toes, yet be someone who can open their arms up and offer me something constant.

*I want someone who doesn't smoke all the time and doesn't need to drink themselves into a cloudy mess every night of the week. Someone who wants better for themselves.

*I want someone who loves my body exactly as it is, because I have lived on the side of an eating disorder for a long time. I have finally made peace with my body. I may choose to work out and become toned and thin. Or I may put on a little weight... and it needs to not be a deal breaker. I will never be obese or the real definition of 'fat', but fluctuations will happen and he needs to love me regardless.

*I want someone who supports my dreams in music. Someone who understands that singing is my gift and like a painter without a canvas or a horse without room to run, I need music to be celebrated and encouraged within our relationship. Ideally I will know true love when I find someone I will give up everything for, and yet he will never let me.

*I need someone who is affectionate and sexual. In the south it is not uncommon to be saving yourself for marriage, however I have embraced, accepted, and owned my sexuality. I cant be with someone who has shame for how they feel. Having personal standards is one thing. Making choices and then regretting them is another. I will not be a regret.

*I need a man who will hold my hand in public (even though I haven't been with someone who has been able do that in two years!). I need someone who will put his arm around me when we sleep. Let me fall asleep on his chest.

*I need someone strong enough not to run if I get depressed. Its hard. I have it under control now but if something happens where will he be? Hopefully right beside me.

*I need someone spiritual. Someone who doesnt believe that everything happens by chance. I need someone who believes in God and listens to Him, not everything his religion teaches him. I need someone who knows the difference between Gods voice and mans.

This list may continue...