One

This is still my blog. This is still where I come when my heart gets broken or something really pisses me off. I feel like once I tell people it exists I start to censor myself. That's not good. 

Its almost Christmas and I have an empty spot in me. I'm not trying to sound dramatic or look for attention. In fact if no one reads this I will be just fine... I have a great loving family, amazing supportive friends... but I am starting to feel so lonely. Maybe its this time of year. Nothing is more beautiful then Christmas lights and hot chocolate and snuggling under blankets. I don't get any of that this year unless I want it to be fake. I suppose I could find someone to fill the spot and make me feel a certain way, but it would be empty and I don't want that. 

I have had a few men spark my interest in the last few months. One that travels and is never home, so I don't get the chance to see if I really even like him. Hes pretty, but beauty is common. I don't know if there is more. Then there is the cute boy who come into starbucks everyday and reads. He is someone I will never introduce myself to. Even if he is single, I am not sure what would be appealing to him. Smart people read... are they interested in 26year old girls who are waitress/baristas that haven't finished college? I had a quick but painful relationship with a good friend of mine recently. It ended and trying to be friends is bring back old feelings. It sucks and I hate it.  I feel stupid telling myself that someone great will come along. It seems like the single girls motto. 

I do sometimes think of how my life used to be when I was in relationships. I was heavily invested and hardly pursuing my own dreams. I don't want to forget about why I moved here when I get involved with someone. So maybe I am supposed to be alone. It just confuses me as to why I cant have both. Why cant I be with someone where we support each others dreams? Why cant I find someone who fits well into where my life is heading and I in his, but we still are willing to make compromises with each other? Is that just a fairytale?

I know this sounds pathetic. I just think something interesting is happening... I think I am almost maybe kinda sorta ready  to be seriously dating again... and I am not playing around this time. I guess all I can do is trust that everything is working out as it should. I think that's all we can ever really tell ourselves or we will go insane. No thanks-

Thanksgiving, The Songwriter Round, and Life

Its funny how certain moments don't let you down. I have been super quiet (aside from panic filled facebook status updates) about a songwriters round I got booked for. A co-worker signed me up to play a three song writers round at The French Quarter Cafe in East Nashville. This meant originals! Ive been so scared of doing this.

This is what I have felt my purpose was ever since I was little. It was like this feeling where I knew I was supposed to do something with music but it was bigger than what I was currently doing. After some soul searching I landed on telling my story/views/loves/everything that could possibly connect with someone through music. After turning down other avenues of music and pissing off just about everyone who ever believed in me, I finally felt like I was free from the pressure and eyes and able to take a look at myself and say"... so??" Well "so" came with "What if I have nothing to say?" "What if I everything I think and feel and believe in is nothing that connects with anyone" "What if these songs that are obviously at beginner level scream INEXPERIENCED, BORING, UNTALENTED?" I got the amazing Justen Barks to play for me and consequently ended up writing with him a new super personal one with him involving the heartache/mess I have tip toed around within some of these entries.   

The crowd was pretty small but a perfect size for what this was for me. I had a few supportive friends that came and in the end this moment was something I will always remember. I have sung songs before and felt a connection with them but this was something exhilarating! When I got to the last one (new one), I took a deep breath and thought about everything this song meant to me. I thought of how what I really respond to is honesty and truth. And I sang my little song about getting my heart broken. There were two spots where I almost thought I was gonna lose it and start crying and that's when I knew how much this was kicking my ass in the best way possible.

I thanked everyone for being so awesome and nice since this was my first time and everyone clapped. After I got done a little old man in the back wearing a red plaid shirt and light blue jeans that reminded me so much of what my papa would wear said "If you write songs like that, I don't know why you'd want to sing someone elses." Maybe he was just being nice... but that little old man made it totally worth every panic attack and tear... cause he got it. It wasn't just music. It was connection. So who knows... maybe I'll get on a roll now with the writing.

THEN two days later was Thanksgiving... away from home. Its also amusing to me to watch other people plan a holiday and what a glimpse that is into the life they grew up in. The way my roommate and I would say "We should light candles at the dinner table" "We should dress nice" We need to have this... we need to have that. When I went grocery shopping the night before I just had to have canned corn cause my grandpa loves it so much. I had to buy the little extras that my mother would always have that made it a special holiday and not just another meal. My bill was a little higher than I would have liked but it was my taste of home and even though Adriana and I were not with our families, I feel like a piece of them were defiantly with us.  Our mommas would have been proud :)

Should've Known Better

(Kristen McFarland/Justen Barks)

You've got a way of taking me

and everything I thought I knew

Id forget all lessons learned

cause with you this was so much bigger

Who knew I'd be waiting alone?

You gave me hope, deceitful love

promises that never came true

You ran away with who I was

when you said you were in love

I knew I was falling apart

This should have been different

Everything was right

I should have known better

I swear I didn't know

Why cant his be over?

You always sell it to me

Sometimes the man you think you love

is never who he says he is

He says lets just run away

Somewhere warm and this will be easy

Promises left undone

Wish that things could always be

like the pictures he painted me

but his choice was clearly made

what to do when someone doesn't need you?

I know there's nothing to say

What if I told the world all the secrets that you made me keep?

What if I told the girl that it was almost me there when he falls to sleep?

What if I said the things that you made me feel when I was left behind?

 You deserve to hear!

This should have been different

I guess I didn't see

I should have known better

How could I not have known

This still isn't over

This should have been different

everything was right

I should have known better

I swear I didn't see

why cant this be over?

You always sell it to me