confessions of a broken heart

When I first moved here I met someone who changed everything I thought about love. This person came into my life quickly and with much force turned me inside out. I made bad choices all on the pretense that love finds a way of working itself out... and clearly we loved each other. Obviously things are not always so easy or predictable. He left me in about a million pieces and I feel bad for anyone I dated after him. Looking back at the mess I was, I hate myself for letting him have such an effect on me. I am so much stronger than that.

Now I am healed and have had plenty of time to look back at the mess he offered me and I chose something better. But whats better? I don't expect much from men these days(because of him) and in turn I am scared to offer much. Why would I give again and be left empty handed? I am trying to find men who are good for me and who excite me just a bit.

*I want someone who can keep me on my toes, yet be someone who can open their arms up and offer me something constant.

*I want someone who doesn't smoke all the time and doesn't need to drink themselves into a cloudy mess every night of the week. Someone who wants better for themselves.

*I want someone who loves my body exactly as it is, because I have lived on the side of an eating disorder for a long time. I have finally made peace with my body. I may choose to work out and become toned and thin. Or I may put on a little weight... and it needs to not be a deal breaker. I will never be obese or the real definition of 'fat', but fluctuations will happen and he needs to love me regardless.

*I want someone who supports my dreams in music. Someone who understands that singing is my gift and like a painter without a canvas or a horse without room to run, I need music to be celebrated and encouraged within our relationship. Ideally I will know true love when I find someone I will give up everything for, and yet he will never let me.

*I need someone who is affectionate and sexual. In the south it is not uncommon to be saving yourself for marriage, however I have embraced, accepted, and owned my sexuality. I cant be with someone who has shame for how they feel. Having personal standards is one thing. Making choices and then regretting them is another. I will not be a regret.

*I need a man who will hold my hand in public (even though I haven't been with someone who has been able do that in two years!). I need someone who will put his arm around me when we sleep. Let me fall asleep on his chest.

*I need someone strong enough not to run if I get depressed. Its hard. I have it under control now but if something happens where will he be? Hopefully right beside me.

*I need someone spiritual. Someone who doesnt believe that everything happens by chance. I need someone who believes in God and listens to Him, not everything his religion teaches him. I need someone who knows the difference between Gods voice and mans.

This list may continue...