One

This is still my blog. This is still where I come when my heart gets broken or something really pisses me off. I feel like once I tell people it exists I start to censor myself. That's not good. 

Its almost Christmas and I have an empty spot in me. I'm not trying to sound dramatic or look for attention. In fact if no one reads this I will be just fine... I have a great loving family, amazing supportive friends... but I am starting to feel so lonely. Maybe its this time of year. Nothing is more beautiful then Christmas lights and hot chocolate and snuggling under blankets. I don't get any of that this year unless I want it to be fake. I suppose I could find someone to fill the spot and make me feel a certain way, but it would be empty and I don't want that. 

I have had a few men spark my interest in the last few months. One that travels and is never home, so I don't get the chance to see if I really even like him. Hes pretty, but beauty is common. I don't know if there is more. Then there is the cute boy who come into starbucks everyday and reads. He is someone I will never introduce myself to. Even if he is single, I am not sure what would be appealing to him. Smart people read... are they interested in 26year old girls who are waitress/baristas that haven't finished college? I had a quick but painful relationship with a good friend of mine recently. It ended and trying to be friends is bring back old feelings. It sucks and I hate it.  I feel stupid telling myself that someone great will come along. It seems like the single girls motto. 

I do sometimes think of how my life used to be when I was in relationships. I was heavily invested and hardly pursuing my own dreams. I don't want to forget about why I moved here when I get involved with someone. So maybe I am supposed to be alone. It just confuses me as to why I cant have both. Why cant I be with someone where we support each others dreams? Why cant I find someone who fits well into where my life is heading and I in his, but we still are willing to make compromises with each other? Is that just a fairytale?

I know this sounds pathetic. I just think something interesting is happening... I think I am almost maybe kinda sorta ready  to be seriously dating again... and I am not playing around this time. I guess all I can do is trust that everything is working out as it should. I think that's all we can ever really tell ourselves or we will go insane. No thanks-